Financial Contagion

My latest excuse for a weeklong posting holiday has been the pursuit of a job as a correspondent on The Daily Show. Alas, I didn't get it, but here, because of its political angle and actually some word coinage, is the piece I wrote as part of my audition.

JON: On Sunday, Warren Buffett, the Oracle of Omaha, said Wall Street’s credit crunch is over, and that our economy may be in the clear. For more on this, we go to Luvh Rakhe. Luvh, what’s the story?
LUVH: Jon, man, don’t make me re-live this.
J: Huh? No, I just thought Wall Street had serious issues.
L: Okay, Luvh, you can do it.
(then)
So, Jon, by now you know the ugly truth, right? Wall Street has a bit of a past, got with a lot of subprime lenders over the recent years. Like, a lot. More than even the rumors.
J: Did you say “got with”?
L: Had dealings, had financial, you know, intercourse.
J: Obviously.
L: Well, as it turned out, these lenders - the technical term is Super Leveraged Underwritten Transactors, or SLUT’s, had a bit of instability. Of course, Wall Street never really asked about it before it got with them. Didn’t check it out, definitely didn’t use protection. “Not my style, babe.”
(muttering)
That’s what she says, never get tired of hearing that one.
J: Who’s “she,” Luvh?
L: She, Jon. Wall Street. Just using a feminine pronoun to describe an inanimate object, as you would a country, or a ship.
(then)
Before you know it, she has the instability. Passes it along to whoever she gets with, student loan providers, public pension funds, whether they’re a SLUT or not. Then they pass it along - you could be unstable right now and not even know it! Just one day, pow! you get this phone call.
J: Are there symptoms to watch out for?
L: If you’re experiencing irrational exuberance, or especially employee discharge, you want to get that checked out.
(then)
Anyway. That’s all in the past now. As you said up top, Wall Street’s got a clean bill of health. And it’s not like we can go out and find another financial system, so we should just try and be cool with it.
J: But Luvh, according to what you said, there still may be an underlying problem. Shouldn’t some protections be put in place on Wall Street, to keep this from happening again?
L: Why bother, Jon? She’s not gonna change. And now we all got the instability. It is what it is.
J: So no lesson to learn?
L: Only this: Everyone you have financial intercourse with, it’s like you’re having financial intercourse with everyone they’ve had financial intercourse with. Get checked out.
J: Thank you, Luvh.
L: Seriously, Jon, you should get checked out. Head down and get a free credit report, whatever.
J: Me personally?
L: Well, remember, a couple months ago, you and I both enrolled in that Roth IRA...?
J: Luvh Rakhe, everyone.